Monday, July 14, 2003 @ 02:11am | Entry no.253 | blow my whistle, bitch... open up and put it in. ||   mood    hyper   || ||   music    "elysium" _ happy 2b hardcore   || Pat wants to see me in pink muu-muu goodness. ((giggles)) It's his birthday on Friday. He mentioned something about me and a pink thong. Uhm.. okay. That's what he wants... a pink thong for me to wear on his birthday. Oh my, Christian boy is being bad. ((evil grin)) I'm doing such a good job. I've decided there are going to be periodical random entries that won't make any sense to anyone but myself and perhaps a few other people. It'll be along the lines of this post. It's a lot easier because, when I'm all hyper because then I don't have to think out sentences and I get to type whatever pops out in my head. I'm trying to remember who's typing method that I saw. I'm pretty sure I was reading one of the blurtyaddicts friends post. Damnit, I can't find her. I want to give credit where credits due. Those types of entries won't be too frequent though; I've been taught to be "proper" and all that jazz. Ahh! I'm in such a mood to just go out and go dancing. Actually, I'm in the mood for some human contact. Being held in the arms of a big strong man, breathing in their scent, feeling their body pressed against mine, my fingers running through their hair and pulling their head down so that our lips can meet. Staring into their eyes as I softly kiss them and then lightly trace their lips with my tongue as their arms are pulling me tighter against them ... okay, maybe I don't want to go dancing, maybe I'm just horny. I need to shut up because my imagination is starting run wild. I need another shower... there have been a lot of cold showers today ((shivers)) and nothing diminishes this urge. Bah, the topic of the day seriously has got to be sex. It's been brought up so many times by so many people. I wound up in this entire discussion with Dom... wow, dirtiness. He swears we'd be so sexually compatible together. Well, I guess that'd be right, get two nymphos together. I'm kind of wondering what the outcome of that'll be. Not that we'll ever get together, we agreed on that from day one when we first met each other, but it's still fun talking about sex with people. Ah, I can already see myself getting into trouble for saying this stuff, "What's this all about, Nancy? Boys? Sex? No! Shame shame!" Yes, shame on me. I've been naughty. I need to be punished. Okay, no, I was going to stop with the naughty thoughts, but yeah, that's not going to happen. Oh! The subject line, that wasn't meant to be dirty. It just happened to be some of the lyrics to a song I've been listening to. Damn... that just reminded me something I wish I could have. I want to be dominated. Completely and utterly at the mercy of another. Tied up, gagged and blindfolded. Well, maybe not blindfolded from the start because I like seeing what the other person's doing but, eventually, I'd like to be, because it's such a surprise. Okay. I need to shut up, I'm probably making myself out to be some weird sex-crazed nyphmo, which I'm not. I just want a change of roles. Hm, well this is enough rambling on. I really am making myself to be the most godawful person whenever I've got nothing to say and random little thoughts pop into my mind. Really shutting up and leaving now, because my lovely Chadwick is on, and I miss my dearest and most bestest boy. ((sighs)) I just realized I haven't even been entertaining any dirty thoughts about my lovely boy. I really haven't been talking to him lately. <33 toodles note: [inside joke, don't try to figure it out, you'll hurt yourself] hugs and kisses... just... hugs and kisses. much love to my Mattie. <33 but more love to my Dolly for being the silly little coos that she is! note My Chadwick went to bed!! Boo. But this made me smile for some reason. DELETED (2:04:12 AM): im a nice guy what can i say whoISchipRjones (2:04:19 AM): yes, very lovely whoISchipRjones (2:04:30 AM): which is why you're my little chadwick and why I [heart] you so DELETED (2:05:15 AM): and i always will be I really do love the kid. ((smiles)) unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Monday, July 14, 2003 @ 05:41am | Entry no.254 | I bleed to know I'm alive.. ||   mood    morose   || ||   music    "from the inside" _ linkin park   || All the silliness and being hyper has been completely been burned out of me. What's left, is me awake at almost 5 am thinking about something that happened in the past few days that leaves me wondering about myself. Why is that I've been acting so out of character lately? If any of my friends knew everything that's happened, they'd be shocked and wouldn't even recognize me. At times, I don't even recognize myself. I'm mad at myself because I can't tell my friends, who mean the world to me, everything that's been on my mind, for fear of judgment. They don't have to tell me they'll condemn me for my actions, I'll be able to read it on their faces. And I can't handle that. I've never judged people for their actions, but try to understand their reasoning. I won't be so lucky with my friends. There are no justification for my actions; I've just been acting the spoiled brat, doing what I want, when I want, wherever I want. What worries me even more is that, I can't shed any tears over my actions. Sure, I feel some remorse and guilt, but ultimately, I'm glad things played out the way they did. I'm young. I should be living it up. That's my whole take on things. What does that say about me? Am I a bad person? Or am I just human, someone who's prone to mistakes, albeit a person who makes a bit more mistakes than a person does on average? I wish that I could forget the whole thing ever happened, that I'd be able to just move on, and pretend that everything's normal, but ha, what are the chances of that happening? Hello, living in the real world. And I don't want to forget it. Damn, but there are repercussions for ones actions. No one escapes unscathed. Eventually, I'll have to pay for it. And now, I get to lay awake on my bed, staring at my ceiling, mentally going over my actions, replaying out the night repeatedly. Wondering if I would change things if I had the chance. Finding that I wouldn't. I get to question my morals, my character. I'm just playing out the role that everyone wrote out for me. I fight against it. I refuse to be what "they" all said I would be. I fight and fight and fight ... is there a point to do so? Is it just the inevitable? Are my struggles futile? Why can't I just resign myself, and live out the life that everyone thinks I should be living anyway? And lucky me, I get to beat myself up over about it. That's just a glimpse into what I think at night. It gets so much worse, the pounding in my head and the voices they start overlapping to form a cacophonous mess. I never get to make heads or tails out of it, just bits and pieces, but they just don't shut up. I refuse to start falling back into old habits. Self mutilation. What's the harm of that? It doesn't hurt anyone else, but yourself, and it did help me out. The biting sting of steel across my flesh, it brought me slamming back to reality. The pain overpowered whatever voices that were screaming at me in my head. Sometimes, it was so hard to just stop. There is a euphoria that you get when you start cutting into yourself. I'm not going to start doing that again, even though I want to so desperately sometimes, because there just isn't anyway to get all this pain out. It's nights like this when I miss Mike the most. [Mike as in Oggie, I know too many Mikes] I miss talking to him enough as it is, but on nights like this, it's even worse. I lose so many people I care about ... and it never fully hits until I need them. That's how it always work out. You don't realize what you have until you lose it. And I'm terrified of what may happen if I *do* lose the people in my life because of my actions. So I have to keep everything inside. Buried deep, deep, down ... where one day, it'll just swallow me whole. I should just leave the house and walk around until I start feeling better because who knows what I'll do to myself in this state of mind. I wish I could talk to someone who cared for me. I mean, truly cared for me. Unfortunately, there's no one online at this hour who even gives a damn if I dropped off the face of the earth. Yep, Fate's telling me I'm alone. And that I'll probably be better off that way. All alone, away from people, so I won't ever be able to hurt them, or infect them with my evilness. I can't come into contact with anything without destroying it or damaging it some way. Fuck, I'm being awfully emo-ish tonight. I need to just separate myself from my emotions and became a smiling little puppet for the world. I've done it before. Become completely numb because no one wants to hear it anymore. I'll be someone who doesn't have malicious intent towards everyone she meets, intentional or not. Someone who's just an empty shell, who's everything everyone wants her to be. I hate being me. I'm ugly; ugly on the inside, ugly on the outside. Ugly and deceitful, devoid of any true beauty or innocence. I just wish I could be beautiful for once. Just once. Someone who other people would be glad to have in their lives. I don't know what to say anymore. I should just try and lay down, but who knows what'll be running through my head if I weren't kept occupied. I really wish someone'd be like, "hey, I'm here, I care." but even if they did say that, how many of them will truly mean it? And if they do, how could they care for such an ugly person? I just received an IM from a friend saying bye, and he was no different than how he usually is, and that simple message made me burst into tears. I've never felt more alone than I do now. / end entry suitable lyrics // from the inside - linkin park trying not to break, but I'm so tired of this deceit every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet all I ever think about is this, all the tiring time between And now trying to put my trust in you, just takes so much out of me note my apologies to everyone on my friends list, for the recent flooding of super-long posts. ( 3 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )